there is a violent storm inside my head.

I never thought I’d say this but I am who I want to be.

looking into moving to Portland is so exciting and so scary but I think I would be happy, very happy. riding bikes and eating pizza at 2 am sounds like a good life.

last night I had a really touching conversation with my sister. we walked for two hours and during the walk, she mentioned her ex. she asked me about what she should do, if she should contact him, and why he would leave her. she has been really upset and I told her that I think her life would improve if she became closer to god. she said she’s going to buy a bible for the first time in her life and she wants me to read with her. she also said she would join me in going to study on Mondays when she can which is a start! im so excited and i think she’s going to be a lot happier soon, very soon.

in four days it will be one month that I haven’t drank alcohol and that doesn’t sound like much but I’ve been drinking since I was 12. i have found so much comfort in meeting strangers, passing out on floors, and out drinking people twice my size. i even went to the hospital for drinking and that didn’t change my mind. what DID change my mind was how I realized alcohol made me not give a crap - I guess that’s the point. i went to a party a few days ago and talked to my friend dan. he was extremely drunk and kept telling me how much he respected me for not drinking and it made me super happy. i don’t mind being around it because i know that other people find comfort in it like I did. anyway, things have been better since I stopped and I feel great.

I look really freaking pretty right now.


You are not a burden.

You are not a bother.

You enhance the lives of others.

People smile, not groan, when you text them.

Your voice.

Your presence.

You, matter.


all i think about is sex and what i am going to eat next

there is a loneliness in this world so great that you can see it in the slow movement of the hands of a clock. people so tired, mutilated, either by love or no love. people just are not good to each other. we are afraid. our educational system tells us that we can all be big winners but it hasn’t told us about the gutters or the suicides, or the terror of one person aching in one place alone, untouched, and unspoken to. people are not good to each other. people are not good to each other. i suppose they never will be. i don’t ask them to be but sometimes i think about it.

It’s crazy how much I’ve learned about myself in the process of comforting someone else.